Valde tumidus = extremely arrogant

Today I met the most pompous, smug teacher I've ever met in my life.

One of my daily duties was an auditorium study hall, and I was relieved to see a second teacher at the front of the room to help me take attendance and supervise. One student came in late and came up to our table to look at the seating chart. "Are you trying to find yourself?" this teacher asked him. "I've been trying to find myself for years now, but no luck so far."

He paused for a reaction, so I chuckled politely. "I'm glad that you laughed at that," he told me. "Most people I've dealt with -- adults and students alike -- don't really understand my wit. I guess I'm above their level of sophistication." I think all I did was blink. What was I supposed to say to that? "Actually," he continued, "Did you know that 'sophisticated' is actually an insult? It comes from a Biblical reference about educated fools. It really isn't a nice term to call somebody, but most people misuse it."

Uh huh.

And this one-sided conversation went on for about an hour. As soon as I'd go back to reading my novel, he'd jump in with another alleged morsel of wisdom. I asked him what he taught, and he replied, "Not much these days. I only teach maybe ten percent of the audience I'm meant to reach, and the other ninety percent are just a waste of my time." I blinked again.

"Okay then," I said with a sigh, "What are you assigned to teach here?"

"That's a good way to ask that question," he said with a laugh. "I teach Latin." Figures. "I teach Latin, but you know what? It shouldn't even be taught here anymore, because these students can't handle it."

He continued, "Do you know why the students here aren't living up to their potential?" A girl in the front row who had been watching him talk at me for twenty minutes now caught my eye. She smiled cautiously, trying to decipher my reaction. I grinned at her and rolled my eyes, unseen by Latin Man. She covered her mouth to disguise her giggle.

"They aren't living up to their potential because this school has a policy that allows gum chewing."

I almost choked on my tongue. "What?"

"Oh, weren't you aware? Yes, this school allows students to chew gum in its classrooms. Unbelievable."

At this point I began wondering how to translate "fucking idiot" into Latin.

"I just can't believe the environment this school has cultivated. It's amazing what the administration is willing to put up with. I mean, students can't even read these days." He paused. "You said you're an English teacher; why is it that kids have so much trouble with reading?"

"That's a difficult question to answer," I replied.

He smirked. "Oh really?"

"Sure it is. There are so many outside factors that work together to lower students' reading levels nowadays."

"Interesting," he said. At this point he picked up his pen and went back to grading papers. "Name four," he challenged, obviously not expecting a worthwhile answer.

Oh no, asshole, I thought. I'm not letting you win this one.

I took a deep breath. "First -- reforms like No Child Left Behind." He raised his eyebrows and nodded slightly. "Second -- increased poverty that keeps parents at work and away from home and their children."

"That's a good one. I have to agree with you on that one," he said. Damn straight.

"Third -- the media, which is increasingly visual. And fourth -- a focus on labor-oriented education, which creates workers instead of learners." (I was especially proud of that one.)

He took a moment to think. "But really, if these students aren't made into workers, what are they good for? I just can't believe what schools have become these days."

A few moments later, a student in the back of the auditorium dropped a textbook, and some of the students around him giggled briefly. Latin Man sat bolt upright in his chair. "See?" he growled, scanning the otherwise silent auditorium. "Chaos."

I don't think I've ever met another human being more out of touch with reality.